Why Am I Wasting My Time On This Blog?!

How do you know when something is your passion?

Three months ago, I was on a trip to San Francisco to take a few shots for
this blog. The day was progressing rather smoothly in terms of sight
seeing, but when it came to photographing fashionistas, I was deprived.
Where was everyone? The wind was mild, the sun barely visible, and the
city was blanketed under a nice gray cloud – the conditions for
photography were excellent.

As the sun crept lower and lower, I began worrying about my shots. Time
was running out and I only had two shots within my 5 hours in the city.
Hurry up Ranier, HURRY! MOVE YOUR ASS! GO, GO, GO! I needed at least
one
more good shot. One more money shot. Then I saw the most beautiful
lady, in the most perfect outfit, for this perfect weather.

My heart stopped – as it always does when I see a subject I want to
photograph – I followed this lady and stopped her and her friend, asking if
I could take a shot. I could tell they were in a hurry so I tried my best to
snap something. But as I was snapping, I knew my impatience would
backfire – which it did.

I was off. My camera shook, I was shooting in the opposite direction of
where I was supposed to be, and my camera settings should have been
tweaked. As I stood there in the middle of Union Square previewing the
shots I just took, my throat began to dry, a bead of sweat rolled down my
face and I was pissed. This was the perfect shot, the shot of the night…
and I screwed it up.

I was so mad and upset with myself that I turned off the camera, and
walked right back to my car. I couldn’t take it. The shear disappointment
left me feeling like I was a failure, a loser, a total noob at my craft. After I
got into my car, I immediately drove home in shame. As dusk turned into
night, I started to think about what happened that evening.

Why was I really upset? It’s just a picture, right? At that moment it
dawned on me: I really do care about this fashion blog. I may not be
updating as much as I could, nor am I going to San Francisco every week
– but I do care. This blog, this fashion blog that I’ve actually spent money
on (business cards, website domains, new camera, trips to San Francisco,
etc) yields absolutely 0% revenue. I make zero dollars off this site. NADA!
And unlike the various bloggers out there who produce half assed entries
for the purpose of making a quick buck, I don’t make shit.

I sculpt this blog as my way of creative expression. I used to paint, I used
to draw, and I used to do graphic design – now I photograph fashion. I
guess you can say it’s a hobby, but given the events described above, and
my drive and determination to be the best, I’d say it’s more than a hobby.
To you this might be a waste of time, but for me… this is my passion.

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3 Comments

Filed under Rants, Special, Winter/Fall, Women

3 responses to “Why Am I Wasting My Time On This Blog?!

  1. Ana

    Nice. You’re lucky to have found something you’re truly passionate about. You’re good at it, and it excites you and challenges you to be better. Rather than give up you accept the inevitable that not every shot will be perfect, not every situation will be as gratifying as the next. Yet your heart races, your palms sweat, and your mind whirs at the thought of being the best. With that kind of passion I have no doubt that you will strive for perfection in whatever you choose to do. Good luck, I’m rooting for ya!
    Also thanks for posting this. I’ve been apprehensive about the next step in my life, and I think you’ve just supplied the depth of emotion I need to reach it. =)

    Take care Ranier!

    • The Falco

      The next step in your life? What does that entail?

      And thank you so so so much for that thoughtful, thorough comment. If I can get that reaction with more people, and if I can inspire others through my writing/photography, I could care less about popularity or page views.

      Thanks again Ana :))

      • Ana

        It’s no problem. We’re friends, at least I think we are. =/ And you really are good at what you do.

        As for the next step, I’ve been pondering my path in life. You know college, career, so on. For the past 3 yrs I’ve been living my life with the idea that what ever I did would be alright. The thing is the passion I used to possess for life has dwindled to almost nothing. I want to feel what I described to you. But it seems I’ve been looking in all the wrong places. In people, in places, but never in myself. That is ultimately what I picked up from your blog.

        To be passionate about something is to trust yourself to know what you want and to go after it regardless of the nagging self doubt that many of us undergo each and everyday. I just need to find that in myself again. It’s how I used to feel when I wrote. It’s what I’ve started to feel again.

        I really should be the one to thank you. For showing me what I want to aspire to become. A passionate and determined person. A person who can inspire people with their words, even if it is just one person (for now). So keep writing & I’ll be reading.

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